Meatloaf is murderloaf

I try to sift through my business mail at least once a month. This is not avarice. My needs are simple, and will be even simpler when I have pushed through the purchase of the wasteland adjoining my garden and crowned The Vapours with a modest swimming pool. There are public baths in Holloway, of course, but if I wanted to steep my pallid magnificence in teenage urine there are galleries in Berlin which would gladly accommodate me.

This month’s mail was tedious beyond compare. Licensing offers I embraced or rebuffed at the toss of a coin. Television cameos were dismissed. I did linger over a proposal to vegetarianise the monuments of recorded popular music, starting with Bat Out Of Hell. The aim is to reproduce the sound of the original album, but with a new vegetarian ensemble. This collective was to be called Nut Loaf. When I saw that the planned follow-up was Sprout Mask Replica, by Captain Artichoke-Heart, I dismissed the venture as a satire.

This was not without some relief. Could I clothe myself convincingly in the sexual abandon and sporting metaphors of Paradise By The Dashboard Lights? Certainly not with Chrissie Hynde hunched like a dyspeptic heron over the other mic.

Danny came around in the evening. He has bought a digital video camera with his first BBC cheque. Watching him cycle through expectancy, exertion, disappointment, rage, hope, menace and despair for fifty minutes was perhaps the closest I will ever come to observing an infant wean. I finally had mercy and explained what a lens cap was. Thus start glittering careers.


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